Because I’m narcissistic I thought it would be interesting to look at the best guys that have shared a name with me.

10. David PATERSON 

Most people don’t know who he is, but he’s the governor of New York. You might say “but what’s so great about that?” and I would answer with “he’s blind.” Impressive stuff. I’m fully sighted and I’m not even the governor of my bedroom. 

9. David BECKHAM

Super famous for some reason… Oh right, he plays soccer occasionally. He made the list because a) he’s famous and b) he’s got that brooding/sexy look but when he talks he sounds like a 1920s newspaper boy. Whenever he talks I just expect him to say “five cents to read about the arrest of Capone!” and then some guy buys the paper and reads it and goes “wait a sec, there’s nothing about Capone in here” and then Beckham runs away laughing as the man shakes his fist. 

8. David AFTER THE DENTIST

Is this real life? Yes David, it is.

7. David CROSS

Makes the list because of he is a never-nude. If you don’t understand the reference do yourself a favour and go watch Arrested Development. 

6. David SCHWIMMER

Ross was the best character on Friends. There I said it. Phoebe was clearly the worst, Joey was too one dimensional, Monica and Rachel cancel each other out, and Chandler was too overtly funny. The first few seasons Ross wasn’t great. Crazy Ross on the other hand, pure magic. “Unagi,” the leather pants, the teeth bleaching, his turkey sandwich. So good.

5. Davy JONES

Am I referring to the mythical octopus-faced character from Pirates of the Caribbean, or the lead singer of The Monkees? Answer: both. 

4. David BOWIE

Fun fact, David Bowie could have been included in the battle for Davy Jones supremacy at #5 because his real name is David Jones. But he’s awesome enough to have his own spot on the list. Best songs: Changes, Ziggy Stardust, and Space Oddity. Worst Decisions: fucking Mick Jagger, and over forty years of sexual ambiguity. 

3. David FINCHER

The best director in Hollywood. Se7en, Fight Club, Zodiac, The Social Network are some of my favourite movies. Aside from Panic Room, the man has yet to make a bad film. 

2. David DUCHOVNY 

What’s not to love? If he is anything like his character in Californication, (and according to his sex addiction, he is) he’s one of the coolest dudes in the world. Funny, wry, and from a completely objective hetero point of view he has aged exceptionally well (he’s 50). As a David, he’s what I aspire to be.

1. KING David

The one that defined the name. As a boy he took down Goliath. As a man he was King of Israel. As a statue he is 17 feet tall and naked. What a badass. 

*This list is totally subjective and obviously 100% debatable

15.   PINK FLOYD

It’s unfortunate for me to be including Pink Floyd because I went through a brief phase as a teenager where I would have considered them one of my favourite bands. But the sad fact of the matter is that most of the time when I hear a Pink Floyd song I scramble to turn it off because of how much noise, instead of actual music, is going on (ie; Money, Time). If you’re not stoned or looking at lasers, they’re just simply not all that great (minus Wish You Were Here).

RANKED great song exceptionWish You Were Here 

14.   THE POLICE 

The Police were a decent band. Unfortunately the band spawned the solo career of Sting and as a result songs such as Desert Rose were inflicted upon the masses. No matter how much fun it is drinking to Roxanne, I will be a happy man if I never have to hear De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da again.

RANKED great song exceptionRoxanne  

13. PEARL JAM

Again, not a bad band by any means, just a band I don’t feel live up to the accolades they have received over the years. Eddie Vedder's voice can sometimes be a little much and makes their music a little homogenous sounding. They were one of the better bands from the grunge movement, but not the best in my heart. For that, they are overrated. 

RANKED good song exceptionBetter Man  

12. BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN

The Boss seems to be unanimously loved by every true red blooded American on the planet. Unfortunately there’s no love from this Canadian. His voice always sounds constipated and I’m not crazy about the E-Street Band (aside from Max Weinberg). I once had to listen to a two disc Springsteen album on a lengthy car ride home from a friend’s cabin. How I endured, I will never know.

RANKED good song exceptionBorn to Run

11. AC/DC 

You can’t go five minutes at a sporting event without hearing Thunderstruck. It’s not a terrible song, but there’s only a handful of lyrics in it and most of them are “ooo ahh oo ahh ooo ah ah”. Brian Johnson’s screeching voice can only be tolerated for so long, and Angus, I think it’s time to retire the school boy uniform. I think I would be okay if I never heard another AC/DC song. 

RANKED good song exception: You Shook Me All Night Long

 

10. REM 


Alright, so maybe REM aren’t so much overrated nowadays, but for a period there in the 90s they were huge, and generally, pretty shitty. I don’t really have much to say, just not a fan. 

RANKED good song exceptionLosing My Relgion

  


9. PRINCE

The man is often included in lists of the greatest artists of all-time.  True, he is an excellent technical musician, but when it comes to music I find him to be lacking. His name is often mentioned in the same breath as Michael Jackson, mostly because they both had their greatest success in the 80s, but I don’t think Prince can hold a candle to the King of Pop. Off the top of my head I can only name a handful of his songs (ie; When the Doves Cry, Kiss, 1999) and that’s saying something.

RANKED good song exception: Fury

8. DAVE MATTHEWS BAND 

I may not have included this band if it weren’t for its massively obsessive fans that follow him on tour. After seeing them in concert a few years ago I can confidently say that although they are a talented group of musicians, the band’s folk-jazz-progressive-rock fusion bullshit isn’t very good. Also in concert they do unnecessarily long and indulgent versions of songs. I know that All Along the Watchtower is a terrific song (which you didn’t write), but do you really have to do a 12 minute version of it? Answer: no. 

RANKED good song exception: can’t think of one

7. BON JOVI

These boys helped define the 80s and they gave karaoke a bad name. See what I did there? Alright Jon, Richie, and the others, it was a fun run while it lasted but please go away. Sure your songs are fun in a kitschy, 80s kind of way, but please stop making music. And cut your hair, you’re 50.

RANKED good song exception: Wanted Dead or Alive

 

6. MOTLEY CRUE 

Oh Motley Crue, where to begin. The lack of overall talent? The hair? The makeup? The fact is that if you didn’t spend so much time partying and fucking, and talking about partying and fucking, no one would really care about you. But you did, and apparently that makes you legends. Well played Motley Crue, well played. PS, the spelling of your name bothers me.

RANKED good song exceptionHome Sweet Home

 

5.   THE EAGLES

Put these records in order of US album sales from highest to lowest. Led Zeppelin IV, Thriller, Eagles Greatest Hits 1971-1975, The Wall. Okay, now put up your hand if you had Eagles Greatest Hits 1971-1975 tied with Thriller at number one. No? I’m sorry, but it’s a true. Scholars maintain they still don’t understand this phenomena, especially considering their best and most famous song, Hotel California, is not on the album. 

RANKED good song exception: Hotel California

 


4. METALLICA 

These guys were never very good, but they brought “metal” to the mainstream. In 1999, during a dip in popularity, the band decided to fight against Napster. As a result people nowadays are no longer downloading their music… or buying it. I think we all know who won that battle. Good work boys!

RANKED good song exception: Nothing Else Matters

 


3. RUSH

These guys make me slightly embarrassed to be Canadian. If I have to hear Geddy Lee’s voice, or someone say that Neal Peart is the world’s greatest drummer one more time I may kill someone. Their music almost single-handedly ruined the movie I Love You, Man, which otherwise I really like. Damn you Rush. 

RANKED good song exception: N/A

2. KISS

Beside the definition of “style over substance” there should be a photograph of Gene Simmons and his cohorts. More known for their makeup and antics, this band has maintained mass popularity for the better part of four decades for some inexplicable reason. Most people know only about two or three songs of theirs, and none of them are good.

RANKED good song exception: N/A

1. U2

Uno, dos, tres, catorce" in English means "one, two three, fourteen.” Those are the opening lyrics of one of U2’s many ear raping songs Vertigo. The rest of their catalogue, aside from a some decent songs here and there, aren’t much better. Although not an overly terrible band, the fact that U2 is ranked among artists such as The Beatles and The Rolling Stones is disturbing, not to mention the fact that they seem to agree with that assessment. Bono seems to be one of the most self-righteous, arrogant men on the planet which only helps further cement their ranking, making U2 the most overrated band of all-time.

RANKED good song exception: One