Because I’m narcissistic I thought it would be interesting to look at the best guys that have shared a name with me.

10. David PATERSON 

Most people don’t know who he is, but he’s the governor of New York. You might say “but what’s so great about that?” and I would answer with “he’s blind.” Impressive stuff. I’m fully sighted and I’m not even the governor of my bedroom. 

9. David BECKHAM

Super famous for some reason… Oh right, he plays soccer occasionally. He made the list because a) he’s famous and b) he’s got that brooding/sexy look but when he talks he sounds like a 1920s newspaper boy. Whenever he talks I just expect him to say “five cents to read about the arrest of Capone!” and then some guy buys the paper and reads it and goes “wait a sec, there’s nothing about Capone in here” and then Beckham runs away laughing as the man shakes his fist. 


Is this real life? Yes David, it is.

7. David CROSS

Makes the list because of he is a never-nude. If you don’t understand the reference do yourself a favour and go watch Arrested Development. 


Ross was the best character on Friends. There I said it. Phoebe was clearly the worst, Joey was too one dimensional, Monica and Rachel cancel each other out, and Chandler was too overtly funny. The first few seasons Ross wasn’t great. Crazy Ross on the other hand, pure magic. “Unagi,” the leather pants, the teeth bleaching, his turkey sandwich. So good.

5. Davy JONES

Am I referring to the mythical octopus-faced character from Pirates of the Caribbean, or the lead singer of The Monkees? Answer: both. 

4. David BOWIE

Fun fact, David Bowie could have been included in the battle for Davy Jones supremacy at #5 because his real name is David Jones. But he’s awesome enough to have his own spot on the list. Best songs: Changes, Ziggy Stardust, and Space Oddity. Worst Decisions: fucking Mick Jagger, and over forty years of sexual ambiguity. 

3. David FINCHER

The best director in Hollywood. Se7en, Fight Club, Zodiac, The Social Network are some of my favourite movies. Aside from Panic Room, the man has yet to make a bad film. 

2. David DUCHOVNY 

What’s not to love? If he is anything like his character in Californication, (and according to his sex addiction, he is) he’s one of the coolest dudes in the world. Funny, wry, and from a completely objective hetero point of view he has aged exceptionally well (he’s 50). As a David, he’s what I aspire to be.

1. KING David

The one that defined the name. As a boy he took down Goliath. As a man he was King of Israel. As a statue he is 17 feet tall and naked. What a badass.